Big love for the poor-ass motherfuckers out there who grew up eating tuna helper like it's grilled lobster.

9 responses to

  1. steve anwyll says:

    i remember the first time i ate that shit. i think i was about seven. after the first bite. man. i knew i was in heaven.

  2. jereme says:

    I wonder if they still make it.

  3. steve anwyll says:

    jereme, or course they still make it. you can't give up on a cash cow like that.

    if you're inclined. the betty crocker website has a page dedicated solely to tuna helper recipes and FAQ's like 'can i use tinned salmon instead?'

    for me . really. tuna helper was a bit of a luxury. it was way cheaper to make a box of mac and cheese and just dump some tuna in there. enough black pepper and who cares what you're eating.

    am i right?

  4. jereme says:

    yeah, my childhood diet consisted of rice-a-roni, tuna helper, hamburger helper and this disgusting slop my biker step-dad made by pouring 'cream of mushroom' over pork chops and slow cooking it an electric skillet.

    and there was one year where my mom and step-dad both worked swing/graveyard shifts and I was left $1.50 every night to get food with. i had to walk to the 'food value' grocery store a few blocks away and buy one of three types of 'hungry man' tv dinners. often would get my ass beat by the bully at the beginning of our street, which made that shitty burnt-on-the-outside-frozen-in-the-middle pudding oh so much better.

    some days, I'd shoplift a microwave burrito and use the money to buy a 2liter of crystal pepsi.

    black pepper makes everything taste good.

  5. steve anwyll says:

    it's been a long time since i was kid. but i'll always love the white trash food of those days.

    my step-mom used to make that 'disgusting slop' as well. she only made it once in a while. it was a special occasion. smelling it 'cooking' in the kitchen would send me into a frenzy. i'd spend the afternoon imagining those pork chops melting in my mouth. also. it was necessary to sop it all up with plain white bread.

    to me. rice a roni seemed like an american thing. like i only ever saw it on television. where america existed.

    a few years ago i worked with this girl. and every day she brought a hungry man dinner for lunch. that always made me smile.

    'food value' seems like it would only stock blandly packaged items. like from the early seasons of roaseanne. where beer is labelled beer. and cornflakes cornflakes. so on and so on?

  6. jereme says:

    rice-a-roni was pretty terrible. it has the weirdest smell to it, like, charred chemicals.

    i liked the pork chops at first too, but repetition taught me to hate them.

    'food value' was indeed one of those types of grocery stores. remember feeling my (awareness of) loneliness magnifying every time i walked through its doors.

  7. steve anwyll says:

    its easy to feel the loneliness under the fluorescent lights. the light music playing. and al the people shuffling around.

    fucking gross.

    manwich is my will never eat again. i wish i knew how to type the disgusted sound i'm making just thinking about it.

    feel a craving for some pork chops coming on.

  8. jereme says:

    confide that I had a 'spiritual' experience with a pork chop when I was out visiting sam in chicago a few years ago. it was on a stick and sold at a pumpkin patch.

    no lie, eating it was like slow sex with god.

  9. steve anwyll says:

    there's something comforting about the vision of two men, strolling through a cool autumn pumpkin patch while one is having a spiritual experience with a pork chop on a stick (god bless american innovation) that reinforces my belief that things aren't all fucking horse shit.


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