Over the last 5 years I've reprogrammed myself to accept gifts from people, which has been difficult.  I mean, it isn't easy, at all.  When someone gives me something, I'm pressed with a sudden urge to throw a smoke bomb then dive out the nearest window.

I'm terrible at showing thanks, I think.  Like, I feel so grateful when someone gives me something but it mortifies me.  I become frozen in a stupor and don't know how to think or speak or act.  Almost as if receiving a gift has the same value as unexpectedly walking in on my mother getting gang banged by a group of guatemalans wearing masks of my face.

I'm still really bad at asking people for help though.  I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and suffer through than bother anyone, even when/if I desperately need help.  Feel like it's easier for me to cut my dick with a potato peeler than ask another human being for a ride to a doctor's appointment.

I don't know if that will ever change.

So thank you if yo've ever helped me out.  I really appreciate what you did for me.

In other news, I'm leaving Hollywood today.  Moving to the valley.  My feelings are mixed about it.  I fucking love this place, it's part of me, and I'll always be a daddy...  but it's a detrimental environment.  Only the strong or obedient can live here.  Right now, I'm neither.

When I first arrived I made a conscious decision to not become like everyone else--a cliche of vapidity--to exist despite of what this place is, to enjoy the honest beauty of a city that is known for having no beauty, and celebrate the company of human beings who drift in and out of my reality.

A test of my vessel: the strength of my mind, spirit and heart against the juggernaut of death, drugs and selfishness that is "Hollywood."

I made it 4 years and I think I accomplished what I set out to do.  It wasn't easy and many times I've felt like giving up.

My girlfriend has grown strong and I'm proud of her.  She deserves a more peaceful reality though.

I'll miss the mountain.  A lot.  It helped me through a lot of depressive/suicidal thoughts.

And I'll miss the homeless people.  And the filth.

But the ghost of hank stopped howling some time ago and it's time to move on.

So, to all the people who come after me, don't be fooled by the new yoga complex, skyscrapers or condominiums.  Hollywood is a bloodsport.

Keep your technique strong, don't slip and watch out for the death touch.

3 responses to DEATH BY JUICYFRUIT

  1. jereme says:

    I saw a homeless guy standing in front of the 101 entrance as we were leaving hollywood, he was wearing a leather jacket a few sizes too small, some capris also too small, and in each hand was a shopping bag, he kept shaking his head back and forth, pausing, then shaking it again, as if he was sending me a no SOS.

  2. sam pink says:

    an agent of the original thumbs-down sensei, no doubt...

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