my heart is made from sparrow bones and wrapped in shiny tin foil so you'll think it glows

here is a super emo poem i wrote thinking about sam pink's writing:

sometimes when you leave i pretend i am a huge dragon with a scar over my breast and i fly out the window into the restless night looking for something to destroy until i realize there is nothing valuable to destroy with my dragon fire and perch myself on top of a mountain to watch the city lights sparkle in my moon cast shadow.

when you are looking at your painted nails i pretend to drug your food with a small handful of my hairs and wait excitedly while you eat your poisoned cereal where the hairs will sit at the bottom of your stomach and combine and grow into a large glass jar filled with wet flies until the pressure cracks open the jar spilling the flies into your stomach juice where they will dissolve into your consciousness and show up randomly at awkward times during your wet dreams and nightmares.

when you are in the shower i watch you from the doorway and pretend my soul is the shower water spilling warmly over your naked body and each droplet is my mouth and my hands and my dick trying to suffocate you with my wetness until you exit the shower and wipe me away with an old towel and drop it to the floor where i dissipate into the sun warmed carpet.

on occassion i forget to pretend and panic until my skin feels like it is going to explode off my bone and my mind begins to echo until it is collapsing and my throat closes so no scream or gasp can escape and i am fettered and trapped inside myself as my being implodes.

mostly when you are around i feel empty and pretend to be happy because i do not want you to stop smiling and when you aren't around i feel sick but i pretend i feel empty because emptiness does not frighten me.

regardless if you are here i pretend to not to pretend because it has been such length since i have felt comfortable within the confines of my own mind i do not remember how to be genuine any more.

i like to pretend because it is all i know.

in the next life i hope i am a tape worm attached to your colon so i can swallow all your shit and feel purposeful

my weekend in terms of negative/positive emotional responses:

friday: a very pretty asian girl greeted me with "i love your glasses" as i exited the bus.

saturday: a different asian girl told me she liked my glasses at the mall.

sunday: harassed by NO on Prop 8 picket girl. She said something about my glasses being sexy or me being sexy. I don't really remember. I don't take compliments well and kind of black out when i get them.

so that was the positive emotional experiences.

there was only one negative and it was the first to start the weekend off.

i was riding the bus from work on my way to cash my check near my house when a girl got on the bus. the girl had jet black hair and very pale skin and she sat down directly across from me. she was pretty i think. it is hard to gauge pretty i guess. she was pretty to me.

i took note of her eyelashes outlined against the sun shining through the window behind her. the eyelashes looked really long. i thought "girls love those long lashes. i wonder if they are fake or real?"

so i guess i thought about that for the entire bus ride which was only about 5 minutes. we both got off at tustin and chapman stop, she in front of me.

the check cashing place was over in a mexican neighborhood. it is not the nicest neighborhood but nothing bad really. some drug deals, rowdy kids, quiet illegals. nothing big. i guess you could consider it "bad" in terms of orange county.

we both cut through the back parking lot of a non-descriptive dentist building, orange as a city is rife with these small brown buildings adorned with white generic signs promising different simple slogans.

the pretty girl turned around, gave me the "don[t rape me smile", looked at her feet the entire time, and scurried in the opposite direction like she had just made some grave error and needed to be back immediately.

i thought it was kind of weird. i walked for a few minutes, turned around, witnessed the girl in tow, thought "am i really that fucking scary looking?"

one event compared to three and the one event is what affected me the most. the girl thought i was going to rape her or kidnap her or something.

what the fuck.. i mean i know i am kind of scary or odd looking. i have gotten it since childhood, people giving me double-takes.

i am wearing bright neon-pink sunglasses i bought at "forever 21" or some other horrible estrogen rich playground for young women.

do i really look like i am going to rape some one? really?

i never found out if her eyelashes were real or fake. i kind of felt stupid for most of my relationship with her and never got the guts to ask a harmless question.

the butcher cut his arm with his cleaver to remind himself he is nothing more than an animal

i hate them all

on the train i take notice of
the countless numb faces

the kid slurp-sucking at her red lollipop

the bull dyke with her badly dyed hair
complete with butch style cut

the numerous lawyers standing in uniform
muted colored ties and petty leather cases

the japanese man intently reading his
cartoon porn magazine

i can hear monotone voice softly from an electronic device

the conductor reminding us to use the hand rails

my beard can harbor only
so many insecurities

my sensitivity is weakness
only because i hide it

my negativity a construct
to save me from myself

i hate them all

i loathe all their dumb faces

because they exist solely to reflect
my self worth

or lack thereof

***

lilacs and truth

on the bus i saw a girl
carrying bright lilacs

she was smiling
as she pushed her nose
to smell the fragrance
of the petals

i calmly reached over
gripped the flowers with both hands
and made a wringing motion

until they spilled below her
and i crushed them under foot

i whispered to her ear

"no one truly loves you,
all your relationships will
rot and die."

i exited the bus
leaving the kindly girl
sobbing in her bus seat

made note of the position of the sun

people think i enjoy being right

only the ocean will remember the dead fish and only the universe will remember the dead oceans

what the fuck is the point?

this is how every thing ends.