the dolphin who realized the ocean is an indifferent prison sings a love poem to the moon

kitties update:

blake and sam are growing. i think they eat about a full can of wet food each day and probably would eat more if i allowed it. sam is definitely maturing quicker than blake. she is constantly running amok and looking for adventure.

blake wanders around softly and stares at things. he needs a lot of mothering and attention. i think he might be a little slow.

i find myself having 15 minute conversations with blake discussing his inability to piss and shit in the litter box and how good the litter will feel between his furry toes. he only purrs when food is present. my persuasion efforts continue to fail.

sam often touches her paw against the mirrored closet door. i found her hiding in my books playing with the cover of "blood meridian" a few days ago. she makes me smile a lot.

i am no mother and lucky to have a girlfriend who is able to coddle the little assholes.

my inability to show normal affection is overwhelmed by frequent feedings.

***

D.H. Lawrence was a genius. i think people undervalue his poetry and really should read him more. here is a DH poem i really enjoy:

A Baby Asleep After Pain

     As a drenched, drowned bee
Hangs numb and heavy from a bending flower,
     So clings to me
My baby, her brown hair brushed with wet tears
    And laid against her cheek;
Her soft white legs hanging heavily over my arm
Swinging heavily to my movement as I walk.
    My sleeping baby hangs upon my life,
Like a burden she hangs on me.
    She has always seemed so light,
But now she is wet with tears and numb with pain
Even her floating hair sinks heavily,
    Reaching downwards;
As the wings of a drenched, drowned bee
    Are a heaviness, and a weariness.

the sun only shines to remind a person of their insignificance

today on the train i watched the faces of people

took notice of how few were reading

what they were reading

the epiphany "i have never randomly seen a person reading a poetry book in public" occurred

the train shook a lot

i watched the passing graffiti through the window

the loneliness broke when i saw the word

CUNT

spray painted on a freeway overpass

and finally felt a small connection

but not with any of the people

around me

and the deer said "i love you" to the hunter as the gun steadied

i was thinking the other day "every one hates me".

i think that frequently.

i decided i needed some unconditional acceptance in my life and went on the hunt for a kitten.

a few weeks went by. no kittens around which i thought was odd.

i asked a random lady if she knew where to find kittens because my heart was big and i felt sad a lot. she took my number.

the next day i had two kittens: a black male and a gray female.

the kittens are only 7 weeks old. i have been staring at them for two weeks not knowing what to name them.

naming something is difficult.

the easiest way to offend a stranger is to mispronounce their name.

then i remembered: unconditional acceptance.

so i named the kittens after a couple people i know.

the black kitten is blake butler.

the gray is sam pink.

here are some pics of the little assholes:

and the hyena stopped laughing because he realized his death was imminent and everything was struggle

i got my brain mri back. nothing big going on. i do have xrays of my brain which seems odd to me. humans are not supposed to know what their brains look like. it is perverse.

my doc said he thought i had the beginning stages of MS. More tests ensue.

things i have been thinking about:

i wish i were a crow so i could know the wind and only fear the sea.

masturbation as distraction.

mammal loneliness.

i will die today at any given moment.

my dick for pleasure or for business.

the robot who does not want to rust and decay is not a robot at all.

the emptiness will never die.

i abhor your entrance and lament your departure.

low