my negativity will destroy this relationship and i am sorry because i am tired of being alone but my negativity is the defense mechanism that saves me

i was going to post a poem. i don't feel like posting a poem. who cares.

my writing is shit. always has been. i guess i should try harder. some times i try harder but 99% of the time i give up because i know anything i do is less than.

let's do another secret. yes, let's go with secret #2. i am tired of hiding things. i am tired of protecting myself from everyone.

endless weariness.

i have severe social anxiety. it is not the secret. i rarely go out and interact with people directly. typically i just sit around strangers and observe their body language.

i see how people treat the obese. like they are less than something important.

i think obesity is a defense mechanism of sort. "i think i am worthless so i will make myself worthless" kind of thing. people won't value you if you are worthless and fat.

at the beginning of July 08 i weighed 305-315 lbs. it is hard to gauge because the scale only went up to 300. it is the heaviest i have ever been. severe depression has a lot to do with it i think. maybe not.

i went to awp in february 10-14th weighing 200-205lbs (i ate like a pig there and gained lbs). I weighed 190 in high school.

weight loss was accomplished by eating 800 calorie a day diet.

a guy at the cigar lounge got the lap band surgery before i started to diet. i surpassed his weight loss in 2-3 months.

my resolve is stronger than anything known.

resolve is rare though. it is infrequent i feel the need to do anything. anger is usually the outlet when i choose to display my willpower.

it scares me a little.

one day i will finally give up on trying to be accepted by any one.

i will completely embrace what i am.

the day i decide to make my stand against society and show my resolve.

i am scared of that day.

hopefully i will end up only hurting myself.

***

my time at the docs went okay i suppose, thanks for asking.

bye.

if god were a woman she would have made me with 6 assholes and a never ending appetite so i could shit on everything that much faster

hi, this is a 'new' blog so i am going to start fresh.

i am going to see 4 doctors tomorrow. yay for me. i digress....

i will vocalize a secret. it is something i don't talk about.

people start treating me differently once they know.

i have a cleft penis. no i am joking.

i cross dress.

well that is not a joke but i don't think it is a secret either.

around age 20 my right eye began to get irritated. sort of like pink eye but it wasn't pink eye. the salve didn't help.

then my right cornea ulcerated resulting in permanent scar damage to it.

then the left eye.

the eyes continue to ulcerate and scar.

i am legally blind in my right eye and about a point off in my left eye? it's been a couple years since i went to the optometrist and my sight has degraded since. so i may be at 100% legally blind.

eventually i won't be able to read. reading/writing has been really hard for me which is frustrating because i do enjoy reading/writing.

this is one of the main reasons why my output is kind of erratic and i am not that well read. well that and i get bored really easy. pain + boredom === jereme not finishing a novel.

every day is struggle.

word to that.

i am light sensitive too. all i see is black shadow and light halo so i can't really read outside or drive any more.

everything is blurry. i do see shapes and colors.

my fucked up sight allows me to stay in my head a lot. i just dismiss things because i can't really see them or i'll see some blurry thing and project a memory from my childhood when my sight was 20/20.

the awp post reminded me of how i kept thinking adam robinson was blake butler because their body shapes/colors are very similar. i remember walking up to adam several times, squinting and realizing it wasn't blake and walking away. he probably thinks i am a spent douche or something.

i think i do a decent job of hiding my weaknesses from people. if it wasn't for gena's pictures of awp, i wouldn't really know what people looked like. it is that bad.

like mike young's shirt. i could see colors but that was it. it wasn't until i perused the awp pics that i noticed how homo-erotic/johnny cash it was. i liked that shirt.

the computer helps me because i have large monitors at work and at home. the viewing space is nice. this is why i comment so much on blogs and stuff. they are easy to read.

i remember colin basset was nice enough to send me a chapbook a while back but i couldn't read it because the font was so small but that was by aesthetic design.

i used a magnifying glass on the pages. reading that thing was a bitch and made me feel stupid and weak because it was so hard to see.

i really enjoyed the BSG and CB poems. Matthews I didn't read. his writing i find boring and don't relate to.

any ways who cares.

my cross to bear.

bye.