today i felt like a mannequin staring at its reflection in a store front window as the muted strangers passed on by

what's up people. or person. i have no clue who reads my blog. i killed the stat counter the last time i deleted my blog. sometimes eliminating something small feels good.

i haven't felt like writing much. i keep thinking "fuck i need to finish those two novels i am working on." i think it but never go forward with any writing really. i am a little scared to i think.

at a young age i realized forward is progress and progress comes directly before an end. i am aware of my type of personality, very black or white, in extremes. i am scared of myself really.

for a very long time i have tried to do nothing. just stare at my feet and let the world go by. i don't really make plans. my way of thinking can really frustrate some people including my girlfriend i think. she is the opposite. trying to control very small things to feel safe.

i do not feel safe knowing details or making progress. i try very hard to be like seaweed, sway with the cosmic waves i guess.

anyways. whatever. i'm a douche.

i will recap stuff that has happened since the last time i felt like typing in a public forum.

*)finished "blood meridian". the captain of indie publishing/writing blake butler suggested this book on his blog. i didn't want to buy it because it was a western genre book. i remember reading old pulp westerns as a kid, while i did not dislike them, it really isn't my type of handjob any more. so boring. but i acquiesced and put faith in butler and picked up the book. fuck i'm not going to lie. how many different ways can you describe the same shitty desert? the book reads like a mental fuck. cormac has a way with the word i think few could imitate. his genius is patent. i almost put it down but then the first verse of real violence hit. the apaches swooped down and made their strength known. i fell in love right there. while the book was boring and repetitious when the violence wasn't going down, plus the ending was a little disappointing, not like a total bullshit hollywood ending or something, just i was expecting steak and got chicken, while chicken isn't bad it isn't steak either, anyways i forgot where i was going with this. i liked the book and recommend it.

*)i was hanging out at the orange circle where the fountain exists on a sunday night around 9:30pm with my girlfriend. i took quick notice of how quiet the place seemed. i usually see a cop drive by every 7 minutes and hadn't seen any in 20 minutes. i forget what spurred it but i started tickling the shit out of my girlfriend for about 10 minutes straight. she was flopping this and that way like a fish sucking for air or something. i mean i got a good tickle on. you know the kind when the person can only make an open mouthed retard face and only get the sound "unggggggggg" out? i stopped, grabbed her empty can of soda and tossed it in the trash bin. suddenly i see cop lights off in the distance and make a joke to my girlfriend that they are coming to get me for tickling her. the cop roars up and stops dead in front of me in the roundabout blocking traffic. at this point i'm a little confused as the officer exits the dodge charger quickly and draws a heavy black nightstick from his waistband. "huh" i think. seriously i am perplexed. the cop asks some college kids kissing in the grass if they have seen a man assault a woman. "huh" i think again. then officer dickhead waltzes up to me the way men who enforce power but do not abide by it do and asks me if i have seen a man strangling a woman. "uh no" i reply while feeling weird and scared and out of place. the cop starts whispering in his shoulder. i turn to my girlfriend to ask her if she saw anything suspect and notice 5 or 6 cop cars pulling up strategically around the circle behind me, hear more screaming off in the distance and the epiphany hits me: they are there for me. quickly i say "i was tickling my girlfriend. is that what you mean?". the cop asks me to demonstrate the tickling and i get my girlfriend good and she makes the retard spasm that tickling incites. "oh okay. well we got a report of a bearded man strangling a woman" the cop informs me and i realize he was after me the entire time. all cops lie. the entire situation felt surreal and i remember saying "are you joking with me?". i left and crossed the street. cop cars roared for another 5 minutes and periodically patrolled the area. it was ridiculous. i swear the weirdest shit happens to me. i don't know why. it comes regardless.

*)went to the used bookstore "the bookman" in this failing strip mail off of tustin street. the bookstore has been there for as long as I can remember but i only started going recently. they have a huge selection of science fiction and everything else is hit or miss. i scrounged around and bought "ray" by barry hannah. i remember either blake or justin taylor recommending hannah over at htmlgiant. i am in love with this guy. i read most of the thing in a sitting and stopped with about 10 pages to go. i don't want to finish it. i love how this guy writes. if his other stuff is like this then i have some quality reading ahead of me.

*)went to a cvs pharmacy and wandered around. it was about 10 pm. i picked up this massive black plastic bat with a wiffle balle attached to the end of it. swinging the bat around my head, i imagined myself destroying everything in the store. the wiffle ball went sailing after a good swing and this prick in a cvs vest scampers over and picks the ball up. he had dirty looking skin and sunken scarred cheeks. the guy remined me of a meth head. he asked me if i was going to buy anything or just swing the bat. i informed the petty shithead that i would leave if i wasn't welcome. he told me to leave so i returned his comment with "you're a dick" complete with extra emphasis on the "ck" noise. this seemed to enrage the worker and he told me i "hurt his feelings". i laughed in his face and left. so i got kicked out of a cvs. sort of.

*)ate at in-n-out. i feel bad for you people who do not know the luscious kiss of an in-n-out burger. for real. make a trip. try one. if it isn't the best fast food burger you have tasted, then i will suck your balls or whatever you might have down there. believe it.

*)received a surprise email from ja tyler asking me to read/review/interview molly gaudry and her upcoming mud luscious novella. i think it is a novella. the interview/review is for word riot and jackie corley suggested i do it. i thought this was odd. i haven't talked to jackie ever. she seems cool. hi jackie if you read this. whatever. so i said yes i will do it. now i have anxiety. i don't know how to review things. all i really say is "i like" or "i no like" but that's just my opinion.

other shit has occurred but who cares. i tire of type type type typing.

the sun hasn't exploded yet.

neither has my cock.

shame.