i was going to post a poem. i don't feel like posting a poem. who cares.
my writing is shit. always has been. i guess i should try harder. some times i try harder but 99% of the time i give up because i know anything i do is less than.
let's do another secret. yes, let's go with secret #2. i am tired of hiding things. i am tired of protecting myself from everyone.
endless weariness.
i have severe social anxiety. it is not the secret. i rarely go out and interact with people directly. typically i just sit around strangers and observe their body language.
i see how people treat the obese. like they are less than something important.
i think obesity is a defense mechanism of sort. "i think i am worthless so i will make myself worthless" kind of thing. people won't value you if you are worthless and fat.
at the beginning of July 08 i weighed 305-315 lbs. it is hard to gauge because the scale only went up to 300. it is the heaviest i have ever been. severe depression has a lot to do with it i think. maybe not.
i went to awp in february 10-14th weighing 200-205lbs (i ate like a pig there and gained lbs). I weighed 190 in high school.
weight loss was accomplished by eating 800 calorie a day diet.
a guy at the cigar lounge got the lap band surgery before i started to diet. i surpassed his weight loss in 2-3 months.
my resolve is stronger than anything known.
resolve is rare though. it is infrequent i feel the need to do anything. anger is usually the outlet when i choose to display my willpower.
it scares me a little.
one day i will finally give up on trying to be accepted by any one.
i will completely embrace what i am.
the day i decide to make my stand against society and show my resolve.
i am scared of that day.
hopefully i will end up only hurting myself.
***
my time at the docs went okay i suppose, thanks for asking.
bye.
7 comments:
I was trying to leave some sort of profound and/or moving and/or understanding comment here.
I was trying. But.
Yeah.
I lost 35 pounds in 5 weeks by just avoiding sugar and watching the calories.
People do view the larger differently. When a larger person walks by the smaller change their steps, they prepare a space for them to get out of the way. Most people are more aware of the larger people.
Is there anything the doctor's can do about your eyes? Scar tissue is shit muther fucker.
matt,
no not really. they can't even diagnose me with anything.
some eye docs have said they wanted to do a cornea replacement in the worse of the two eyes but the failure rate is very high.
dead person tissue in my eye kind of scares me.
I rarely left my room at 300+.
It takes a few years to get comfortable with the weight loss. I felt awkward for years, at least. Like I was proving other people wrong, but also like I was a different person.
I proved myself wrong and remained the same insecure person.
It was easier for me to get pussy, and that was the only real difference.
Jereme, I have a scar tissue issue as well, not in the eyes. No diagnosis has been made and I was told the dead tissue may come back or may not. It keeps me in a perpetual fear as the surgery and nearly having a kidney get drown in piss was a nightmare come to life.
I hope that something can be done for your eyes.
I just found this tonight and read all of the posts. I am so happy you have a blog. I hope all the doctor visits went well, Jereme. You are in my thoughts.
gene, yeah i will always be an insecure little boy. i have figured that part out.
matt,
thanks.
pb,
i am still wrestling with giving a shit about the blog and other writer things. don't expect it to stay.
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